For people I have lost... and for people I would never want to loose...

Relationships can be so fragile! I can’t believe how dependant I am on my relationships. They give me something that nothing else in the world can. I love my people… well who doesn’t? but when I look back today and ask myself what is it that I remember the most and how do I see myself in future… the answer would be with my people. People I love the most! It’s almost unhealthy sometimes to what extent I can go to save a relationship. Ending up in realization that sometimes no amount of effort can change things or in fact get the changed things back to as they were before. Sometimes you loose friends and you have no idea why. I can’t help but mourn over such incidents. Wondering what went wrong. Wishing I would have just kept quiet or questioning my obsessive compulsion to be “honest”… why is it that everything has to reach a conclusion or given a name to? Why do we have to put some name tag on people and then we get peace. As if in a morgue with a dead name hanging to its owners big toe. No matter how angry or sad or agitated I get at times, I can’t deny the amount of happiness I got from my friends which make the little patches of tough times worth the pain.
Call me negative or whatever but a thought suddenly struck me today, this uncertainty that life comes with, what if I never get to tell my friends how much they mean to me? And the vital role they played in my life at different points of time. I can’t die without telling my friends that they are awesome! I might have hated them, loved them a little more than others, lied to them, cried because of them, blamed them for no reason but when I look at the picture as a whole, I see an amazing painting… varied colors coming together and making a masterpiece. And yes, this is the last time I will be using painting as an analogy...
There is no misunderstanding you can’t come over, no amount of discomfort you can’t ease out. Ya… life will go on even if we loose a few people. Seems like an affordable deal for that matter. But I refuse to believe we replace vacant spaces, we just create new keeping the empty ones bare and blank!
And ff course in a while I will come over this emotional lapse and find everything written above brainless and stupid. But before it happens I would like to say this to people I lost recently and people I would never want to loose, You matter!

And how at the end of the day you can’t resist the greed to try and make sense of things. How you thought things would turn out and they dint, how you seek approval which you shouldn’t have, how something hurt you which was senseless, the smiles, smirks, anger, neglect… and we obsessively try to make a balance sheet out of it, hoping that somehow it will all come together & magically turn sensible. Several times its not even “you” you are dealing with… the greed increases… you want it all to make sense to others… you Want them to call your expression ‘art’, like you for the reasons you like yourself, say things that sound good… and the senses on your body start exerting positivity… you don’t know why this feels so good… things don’t need to make sense anymore.. You are walking two feet above the ground… a thought knocks at t back of your head... “Just a second, wasn’t I trying to make sense… Did I? ” you relentlessly shut that disobedient thought out… I’m already feeling so good… I don’t need to! The process of growing up becomes faster… you imagine it’s because you shut down… you want to grow up even faster… want to know everything there is… and moreover want people to know you do! Dates on the calendar change in hasty speed… and you never realize when the line putting “you” apart from “others” looses its existence.

I just realized how everyday we wake up to “face” the day. As if we are going on to fight some war. We nag about the situation we are in and if we belong to one of the “refined” groups we try to rationalize everything. Finding reasons to know why we are what we are and how we can not be what we are and be what we never were but always wish we were. Huff! Exhausting even saying the words isn’t it? But this is what we do every day and night. I often wonder how much do we really own? How much we really know and how much can we really control? It seems safer to know as much as possible, gather most we can under our wings but to what extent is it going to change things? Are we forgetting to fly?
The emphasis of the Indian scriptures and philosophers on ‘detachment’ always puzzled me. How can everyone in the world turn into saints and legends with no desires? Or may be while we obsess over the apparent, we fail to read between the lines. The truth! Imagine your beloved bike broke. The mechanic declared that nothing could be done and suggested you to take it to a scrapping centre. How angered and devastated would you feel? You would forget all about how you toured around the whole city, the places it took you and all the happiness you accumulated over the years hit the nil sum, even adding a few minuses. Foolish isn’t it? The brilliance of the word “detachment” suddenly hit me. Every sorrow, disappointment and anxiety comes down to this very point. Fear of loosing makes it all worst. A mind free from all such fears can give you an immense feeling of a liberated self. And of course- happiness! Well… still wondering… lets see...